Every so often somebody says something that stops you in your tracks. Sometimes these statements throw your world upside down. It is like a light goes on and you suddenly see everything in a different way.
What I find even more interesting is that sometimes we can hear something but not respond or connect to it. Then at a different time, said by a different person, the same sentence stops you and you have a true ‘aha’ moment.
The first time I heard the statement ‘Nobody makes you feel’ was back in 2010 on a Springboard course. I didn’t really hear it. Maybe I wasn’t really listening. Maybe it just didn’t resonate in the same way enough for me to remember it.
The second time I heard it was four years later when I was learning to become a Springboard trainer. This time it was different. I don’t know why. I really can’t tell you why this time it resonated and landed in my brain differently, but it did.
It changed how I respond to people. I started to take ownership of how I felt and my emotional state. I stopped blaming others for how I was feeling. I started to choose to be happy despite what was happening. I began to accept responsibility for how I felt, all day, every day.
What happened as a result? I accept emotional responses for what they are, a response. I let the emotions pass through without holding onto them if they aren't helpful. I am more aware of my emotions. I am more aware of how I choose to respond. I am more in control of how I feel.
‘Nobody makes you feel. You own your emotions and reactions’
Mind blown!
When something happens, we react, we respond with emotion. The emotion we respond with is a very personal response.
In the same situation, two people may respond very differently. One may respond with anger, the other may respond with upset.
This is why we cannot be ‘made’ to feel something.
As a response to someone or something, we will respond with emotion.
They do not get to choose what that emotional response is.
We own that.
Here is an example of the difference;
“When you say that you make me feel angry”
“When you say that I feel angry”
You own your emotional state. The first sentence hands over the ownership to the other person. The second sentence retains the ownership and isn't passing blame.
We cannot stop an emotional response from happening, but we can choose how long we hold on to that emotion for.
When you have an emotional reaction ask yourself; “What is the emotion and is it useful to us in the situation we are in?”
If you hold on to that emotion will it help or hinder resolving the situation?
If you hold on to that emotion and create an emotional state is this positive and helpful?
If it isn’t, what emotional response do you want instead?
Emotional responses involve 3 elements. Our experiences, values, ethics etc (Subjective) the way we physically feel a response (physiological) and then how we express it, how we have learned to express it. (Behavioural).
We own all of these, they are not controlled by others.
This weekend whilst on my NLP Master Practitioner Course, we looked at how, through coaching, we create, and therefore have control of, our internal representation of reality and how we filter our own experiences.
Our neurology creates the internal representation, which then produces (through our own chosen strategies) our internal state which influences our external behaviours.
All three are interconnected and affect each other. Changing one area will influence all the others.
If we can keep ourselves at the centre of the experience, reminding ourselves that we are in control and own our emotions and responses then we can influence how we choose to focus and experience the world.
So, the next time you find yourself saying ‘you make me feel’ remind yourself that they don’t and decide what emotion you would like to feel.
“Personal power comes from living at cause of this experience so as to manifest an internal world that directs your destiny through action” Ben Grassby, Bristol NLP Ltd.
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